Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Today was the most difficult day of my (short) career in being someone's Dad. Isabella was very frustrated at me that I was going to be the one unbuckling her car seat. She really wanted Mom to be the one to unbuckle her car seat, but really had no choice in the matter because Daddy was trying to help Mommy out by letting Isabella out of the car tonight.
After about 15 minutes of screaming "No! I want Mommy to unbuckle my car seat! No! I want Mommy to unbuckle my car seat!" over and over again..perhaps 100-150 times, I told Isabella again that I loved her, but that I was going to bring her and her car seat inside the house so that we can have this conversation somewhere other than the driveway. I removed the car seat from the car and carried screaming child, still strapped into a car seat, into the house.
Once inside the house, Isabella became hysterical. She didn't want to be in the house, she wanted to be back in the car. Grasping for control in this situation in which she felt complete unable to control anything, I guess. In the middle of her tantrum, she expressed her frustration to me very clearly...obviously struggling to form words to fit her feelings of frustration and powerlessness:
Isabella: Daddy, I want you to go away. I want you to go away!
Daddy: Isabella, I don't want to leave you. I love you, and where would I go?
I: I want you to go back to work!
D: I will go back to work, but not until tomorrow, Isabella. And then I will come back home to you again.
I: Then I want you to go to a house!
D: Whose house would I go to, Isabella?
I: I want you to go to an empty house!
This all sounds kind of comical in blog format, and perhaps in retrospect it was...a little. But she was on the verge of what seemed like a seizure at this point, based on the way she was crying and shaking and gasping for air. It seemed like she had overloaded her brain with her frustration about not being able to get her way with regards to the unbuckling of the car seat...I felt like the next stage was going to be reverting back to infancy or something catatonic or whatever. I was completely terrified at this point, and trying hard not to be hurt that someone I loved so much would prefer it if I could just go live in an empty house (or at least go back to work).
In the end, I just couldn't match her resolve: I told her how much I loved her, and that I was going to give her some time with her Mom while I took a walk. I told her, with an amount of calmness that I summoned from I-don't-know-where, that I was not ever going to leave this house just because she asked me to and that I would be back very soon. Her Mom waited until she had calmed down and put her to bed with a mutual promise to discuss the incident with both of us in the morning.
Part of me feels like I "lost" this battle. However, I realized that my need for her to be able to regain control over herself was greater than my desire to "win" in a stubborn-content. There was something, too, about the fact that she was being physically restrained in her car seat that just freaked me out about the whole situation. Not only was she feeling powerless, she really was without the ability to go anywhere. I think it would have been different if she wanted Mommy to help her reach a toy or something, and only Daddy was available to help.
As she matures and has a greater and greater ability to express her feelings, I think the best we can do is try to do what we have always done: try to make her aware of her boundaries in a loving, but consistent, manner.
Seriously though, I kind of wish I could call a "do-over" on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008.
After about 15 minutes of screaming "No! I want Mommy to unbuckle my car seat! No! I want Mommy to unbuckle my car seat!" over and over again..perhaps 100-150 times, I told Isabella again that I loved her, but that I was going to bring her and her car seat inside the house so that we can have this conversation somewhere other than the driveway. I removed the car seat from the car and carried screaming child, still strapped into a car seat, into the house.
Once inside the house, Isabella became hysterical. She didn't want to be in the house, she wanted to be back in the car. Grasping for control in this situation in which she felt complete unable to control anything, I guess. In the middle of her tantrum, she expressed her frustration to me very clearly...obviously struggling to form words to fit her feelings of frustration and powerlessness:
Isabella: Daddy, I want you to go away. I want you to go away!
Daddy: Isabella, I don't want to leave you. I love you, and where would I go?
I: I want you to go back to work!
D: I will go back to work, but not until tomorrow, Isabella. And then I will come back home to you again.
I: Then I want you to go to a house!
D: Whose house would I go to, Isabella?
I: I want you to go to an empty house!
This all sounds kind of comical in blog format, and perhaps in retrospect it was...a little. But she was on the verge of what seemed like a seizure at this point, based on the way she was crying and shaking and gasping for air. It seemed like she had overloaded her brain with her frustration about not being able to get her way with regards to the unbuckling of the car seat...I felt like the next stage was going to be reverting back to infancy or something catatonic or whatever. I was completely terrified at this point, and trying hard not to be hurt that someone I loved so much would prefer it if I could just go live in an empty house (or at least go back to work).
In the end, I just couldn't match her resolve: I told her how much I loved her, and that I was going to give her some time with her Mom while I took a walk. I told her, with an amount of calmness that I summoned from I-don't-know-where, that I was not ever going to leave this house just because she asked me to and that I would be back very soon. Her Mom waited until she had calmed down and put her to bed with a mutual promise to discuss the incident with both of us in the morning.
Part of me feels like I "lost" this battle. However, I realized that my need for her to be able to regain control over herself was greater than my desire to "win" in a stubborn-content. There was something, too, about the fact that she was being physically restrained in her car seat that just freaked me out about the whole situation. Not only was she feeling powerless, she really was without the ability to go anywhere. I think it would have been different if she wanted Mommy to help her reach a toy or something, and only Daddy was available to help.
As she matures and has a greater and greater ability to express her feelings, I think the best we can do is try to do what we have always done: try to make her aware of her boundaries in a loving, but consistent, manner.
Seriously though, I kind of wish I could call a "do-over" on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008.
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